The next chemo will be my 9th in total, I had my mastectomy after the third. I get a scan after this round which determines if I get 2 more rounds after that.
I am fed up with the whole thing, the rounds of Taxotere get harder and harder. I feel totally wipes me out first 10 days after the dose, dragging my butt around the house feeling terrible. I get sharp bone pains all the time which comes from the chemo and the Zometa drug. My eyes are streaming, it looks like I am constantly crying and my nails are super sore. I look bald and bloated. I feel like there will never be fun times again, this chemo feels like it is going on forever. My wee dad is going in for his heart operation tomorrow and I am worried about him.

I am sorry to be so glum, I think I need to just dry my eyes and get on with it.

Ellen - You are the most positive person I know, and you deserve a glum day. I hope you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are all sending positive energy and prayers your way.

I hate when parents are sick. It is so stressful. My Mom saw the Neurologist again today and now has to go to a Infectious Doctor. Heart surgery is definitely worrisome, just take some deep breaths. Since I have anxiety, my fave breathing technique is this one.... breathe in for four seconds, out for eight, wait two seconds and then repeat.

Your Dad is in our prayers also

Lady pants (this is a phrase I reserve for only my very favorite people) - pop in some Disney movies (Finding Nemo, Hercules, and Little Mermaid are my faves) and listen to the Spice Girls album. You need some laughs. Download Dane Cook's comedy or watch him on youtube... it is so funny. AND have a glass of wine in the tub today and cover up those stupid mirrors with towels.

Ellen, these treatments are * pure and simple.. from someone who has been there. I had to wear the * pouch and have the drip 24/7 for two weeks and it took a long time to feel better with that and the radiation... months.. but, you know what.. YOU WILL!!!!!!!!!! Just keep telling yourself that.

Its okay to cry and need support, but also know that it will get better!!!!!!!

I love you and I am always here for you!!!!!

Your "wee" Dad will be in my prayers as will your Mom, the gorgeous brothers and all the family!!!! Please give him my regards and tell him a silly in California will be sending him love and good wishes for his surgery!!!!!!!

BIG HUGS!!! Go kiss those fur people!!!!!!!

I am sorry Ellen.

This is a LOT of chemo.

I know that chemo and the aide effects... my sister went through it all and she and I talked on the phone for hours. Sometimes she just cried and I just was there for her because I want to do something but at a loss. She felt wiped out and so weak.

This will improve and I know you are down in the dumps today (it's my birthday and I hate to see a friend so sad and down). I think Kira's advice of a good movie or soak in a floral bath is something you would really enjoy. I will be thinking of your dad tomorrow too. I hope you feel the love coming as I send my hugs and wishes to you. Hang tough. It will get better.

Thanks Kira, Judy and Joan...I really really appreciate the support, love you guys. I try to keep upbeat all the time but I feel better for writing this, sometimes it's good to get it out. I do see some light at the end of the tunnel but right now I just need to have a good moan. Joan, I don't want to make you feel bad on your birthday. I hope you are haveing a wonderful day.

Sometimes I think this is all a bad dream, no one of my age should have to think about death. I will take Kiras advice and have a nice bath and stroke the kitz. I don't talk about my illness very much to anyone and sometimes I think I should more. Thanks again for being there, keep dad in your prayers, his op is tomorrow lunchtime, he is very nervous. XXX

Oh, I was just kidding Ellen. You have a right to feel anyway you want. We are all here for you.

Ellen, there is no way to explain the feelings, etc. to anyone who has not been there. You just have to keep keeping on...

Go and buy something, watch tv, a movie, cry, scream, love the cats .... sleep.... I honestly don't know how I got thru it... but, I did and I know that you will also!!!!!!! Some days you just have to say, I am tired of this, I don't feel good, I want it to be over... etc., etc. its okay.. you are a strong woman and we all have your back!!!!

Your dear Dad is in my prayers and so are you every day!!!!!!

Oh honey, sometimes a totally blue day is just what someone needs to come a little more out of the dumps the next day..
Does that even make sense?
Well, hopefully you know what I mean

What you've been though - it sounds so terrible - and all we know is what you've told us...
and I am sure you aren't letting on all of it.
I think I would have to have a glum month at least.
But you are such a beautifully cheerful and positive person
It will be over soon and you will move on to bigger and better things with your wonderful family.

Sending all thoughts good for your daddy tomorrow. I hope everything goes perfectly.
And hugs {{hugs}} for you sweet lady!!

OH Ellen, you are going through a rough patch and that is what we are here for...to help you through it. This is a place to share the happy moments, the ones that worry us, our fears, our triumps and so much more! Do not feeling like you are moaning and groaning...you have had alot on your plate and yet remain positive.

We will be thinking good thoughts and lots of prayers for your father tomorrow!

BIG GENTAL HUGS sweetie!!!

Thanks Karen and heather Judy, it is hard to explain how I feel. I keep getting offered counselling at the hospital but I don't want it. I think I cope by trying not to 'think' about my situation too much. Before I was diagnosed I planned to have kids etc and now that is never going to happen, my life has been flipped upsidedown. My furries are my kids though, sometimes I worry about what will happen to them if I go...a morbid thought. I know I will come out of this but sometimes its good not to be strong and to wallow a bit. Kira, I will try those breathing techniques....ladypants did make me chuckle...I will pray for your mom Hugs to you guys, I am so glad I met you all. X